World Stunned By U.S. Terror Outrage

WORLD STUNNED BY U.S. TERROR OUTRAGE

Palestinians 'Struggling To Cope' With Unbridled Joy

GAZA - Psychologists have warned that the people of Palestine "may never
recover" from the unbridled joy and happiness they are currently feeling in
the wake of the World Trade Center terror attack, which is thought to have
claimed thousands of lives.

"The effects may fade over time," said Professor John Lister, lecturer in Social
Sciences at Cambridge University, "but it will be hard for them to forget the
sheer delight they are currently going through."

The terrorist attacks have transformed daily life in Palestine from the normal
daily routine of stone-throwing, suicide bombing and being shot, to a
distressing series of street parties and celebrations.

"We, as a people, are used to a particular way of life," explained a Palestinian
spokesman. "But now we actually have something to laugh about, it's really
hard for us to deal with."

----

Glasgow Office Workers Briefly Panicked

GLASGOW, Scotland - Office workers in a 10 storey office block in
Glasgow fled in terror yesterday as reports of an 'aircraft' in the area sparked
fears that the headquarters of Curriehill Fabrics and Hats Ltd. may have
been the next target of the same terrorists who brought carnage and destruction
to the United States.

Shocked bystanders described how a jumbo jet flew towards the building at an
approximate height of just 32,000 feet.

Amazingly, the plane continued on its designated flight path and no damage was
caused. Visibly shaken, workers consoled each other after the incident and
rushed to the nearest pub to regroup.

"It only missed us by about a mile," said one eyewitness "I will never forget
this day."

Military experts had warned that there might be targets in the UK, though few
had suspected that Islamic extremists might deliberately attack the head office
of Scotland's second-largest manufacturer of fabrics and elegant hats.

"I think it's highly unlikely. Please stop calling me," said Robert Flynn of Jane's
Defence Weekly.

No causalities have yet been confirmed, but it is thought that up to half the
workforce is currently missing, presumed to be at home watching television.

-----

Downing Street Confirms Royal Family To Be Buried Underground For Safekeeping

LONDON - Prime Minister Tony Blair today announced that Britain was on
'amber alert' for further terrorists attacks. As well as an increase in police
presence and military readiness, an 'amber alert' means that the entire Royal
Family will immediately be encased in bomb-proof, two foot thick concrete
and buried beneath the grounds of Sandringham Castle for their own protection.
They will only be released when the security risk recedes.

----

CIA To Spend $11 Billion On Acquiring 'Clue'

WASHINGTON - The United States government has approved an additional
US$11 billion funding for the CIA to enable the agency to acquire the latest
crime fighting aid, known as 'clue'.

"Once we have a clue, the perpetrators of this act will find it much harder to
evade capture," said CIA spokesman Charles Gardener. "The American people
deserve nothing less."

----

Sky News Defends 'Afghan Watch'

LONDON - Sky News has vigorously defended it's decision to position camera
crews close to all known Afghan nationals currently residing in the UK,
claiming that the move was necessary "in case any of them should suddenly
explode."

--Some Afghans

Overnight viewing figures show that Sky's 'Afghan Watch' is achieving the
channel's highest ever ratings.

----

Meanwhile, William Hague has reluctantly accepted one last mission from his
former commander, Baroness Margaret Thatcher, to track down the sons of
bitches who did this.

--Hague: One last mission

Addressing the perpetrators, Hague said: "You can run, but you can't hide.
I'm coming for you. I'm your worst nightmare."

Osama bin Laden was unavailable for comment.