'Human Rights Olympics' Throws China Into Confusion

Launch of Prestigious 'Human Rights Olympics' Throws Chinese Government Into Confusion

The launch of a new 'Human Rights Olympics' in which nations are given
awards for their work in promoting human rights has caused panic and
confusion amongst officials in China. The awards ceremony will be held every
four years and the winning nation will receive gold medals, certificates and
millions of dollars in prize money, as well as the right to call themselves 'World
Leader In Human Rights'.

Chinese Communist Party officials have signalled their intention to win the
inaugural 'championship' as a way of improving China's image abroad but have
also angrily defended their right to continue as a tyrannical autocracy.

"We believe China can lead the world in human rights. That's why we should
win the Human Rights Olympics," said a flustered Communist Party official.
"China also leads the world in oppression. No-one else even comes close. We
are the best."

A succession of people's congress members then spoke to the world's media,
addressing many of the contentious human rights issues China has had to face
in the past:

"We want the world to know that China condemns the so-called dying rooms
where unwanted infant girls are left to die in appalling conditions and will take
steps to immediately eradicate all such facilities," a confused health minister
told reporters. "I would also like to state that no such dying rooms exist and
we consider these western press reports to be gross fabrications and lies
designed to harm the reputation of China."

The minister for public security signalled a major change in policy by
announcing that, as part of her bid to win the human rights award, China
would promote freedom of expression, and that criticism of state officials
would be tolerated, "provided such criticism is not spoken, written, or
communicated to any other person via any medium. Any deviation from this
strict rule will result in firm punishment and, if necessary, death. Thank you."

Perhaps of most interest to the international community, the minister for
internal affairs told stunned reporters that Tibet would be granted full
autonomy.

"China will simply retain responsibility for the day-to-day running of the
region, general administration, law-enforcement and so on," he explained. "We
will continue to have a large military presence, although we may reduce the
amount of torture being carried out. But don't hold me to that."