Byers Denies Wrongdoing After Spending Afternoon Kicking Old Lady
 

Transport secretary Stephen Byers has denied any wrongdoing after taking an
afternoon off to kick an old lady.

The incident, condemned by some Labour backbenchers as well as the
Tories, occurred on Thursday afternoon after a meeting with the prime
minister.

"The transport secretary had a very long meeting and simply needed a few
hours to unwind," said a spokesman for Mr. Byers. "Kicking an old lady is
not as painful as it sounds, and the pensioner in question was generously
rewarded with discounted Virgin Rail tickets. The suggestion that this was in
any way improper is just ridiculous."

The transport secretary is believed to have employed a variety of kicking styles
on the old lady ranging from basic, football style kicks to extravagant, Thai
boxing blows.

His spokesman said he felt "much better" after the kicking session.
 

--BYERS: Feeling better.
 

As details of the incident emerged today, Stephen Byers held a press conference
at the department of transport where he refuted all accusations of wrongdoing.
He said: "Let's not talk about what old ladies I may or may not have kicked in
the past. Let's talk about the here and now, and getting the transport policy for
this country back in focus, in a very real and very meaningful sense."

Experts are unsure what the minister's statement actually meant.

Despite this latest controversy, Stephen Byers still appears to enjoy the full
backing of the prime minister who said in Parliament today: "Whatever old lady
kicking has happened under this government, it's nothing compared to the old
lady kicking that the Tories did when they were in power."

"He does have a point," admitted the leader of the opposition, Iain Duncan Smith.
 
 

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