Why It Is Time To Kick Iraq's Butt By Frankie Truman

Why It's Time To Kick Iraq's Butt: A Special Report By Frankie Truman In Saudi Arabia

Hello readers, and greetings from Saudi Arabia, land of the famous 'Knights of
the Round Table', and home of the Taj Mahal and hot, spicy curry!

I'm Frankie Truman and now that the hog racing season has ended, WXTT-N
Dallas has sent me to the Far East once again to cover the Iraq crisis for our
listeners and readers back home.

So "What's the deal?" I hear you say. Let's go through it one step at a time with
the Frankie Truman Primer on Iraq, Saddam and why now is the time for
America to kick some butt.

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Where is Iraq?

Iraq is a mountainous region of the Peruvian empire, a land which was famous
for its spices and dairy produce before it was invaded by Saddam and his evil,
Communist regime.

Who or what is Saddam Hussein?

Good question. Saddam Hussein is the King of Iraq and Jordan, in much the
same way that George W. Bush is the President of the United States. But unlike
our President, Saddam came to power on the back of a rigged election, has
amassed a personal fortune from oil while many of his people live in poverty,
and gives the best jobs in his government to his friends and family. So he is
nothing at all like our own President.

Iraq heads the Axis of Evil, a special group of countries that also includes
Vietnam, the Soviet Union, The Peoples Republic of Australia and of course
Belgium.

King Saddam Hussein is also a secret member of the International Taliban
Society of Terrorists. As Secretary of State Colin Powell has shown, this
organization has plotted many acts of terror against the United States such as
9/11, the African Embassy bombings, the sinking of the Titanic and the
so-called 'Kyoto Treaty'. There can be no doubt that these people are evil.
How much proof do you need?

--SADDAM: Armed and dangerous.

What weapons does Saddam have?

Right now we don't know what weapons Saddam Hussein has. What we do
know is that he has to disarm them, whatever they are. Only then will we be
safe, because only then will we know what weapons he has! And they will be
disarmed! See?

OK. Why is England supporting us?

I don't know the answer to that, my friend. What I do know is that the English
President, Richard Blair, is one helluva guy for standing alongside the United
States. I think when this is all over, President Bush should promote him and
give him a job that carries some real responsibility, for example, being mayor
of one of our smaller cities such as Minneapolis. He sure deserves it. Go
Richard Blair!!

--RICHARD BLAIR: America's strongest ally.

How will war affect the Arab-Israeli situation?

The Arab-Israelis, a fine, peace-loving people, are behind us 100 percent on
this and I salute them for that. I hope the US gives Arab-Israel whatever they
want after the war.

What is anthrax?

Anthrax is a highly contagious poison that attacks humans. It has a variety of
symptoms, the most serious of which is death.

Just one spoonful of anthrax, when detonated, can kill hundreds of thousands
of people. Now ask yourself, how many spoons could Saddam be hiding in
that vast country of his? That ought to tell you the scale of the problem we
face here. Not only that, there are reports that Saddam is trying to combine
anthrax with nuclear bombs, to produce nuclear anthrax - a deadly cocktail
more lethal than anything we've seen before. He must be stopped.

Should we listen to opposition from France and Germany?

No.

Why not?

France and Germany can object to the war if they want. But they better not
come crying to the USA the next time they get taken over by the Nazis, know
what I'm saying?

As President Bush says, France and Germany are what we call 'Old Europe'.
Some readers may not know this, but Old Europe is the dark, impoverished
region that inspired Jacques Cousteau to write 'The Lord of the Rings.' It's a fact
that most of the people in these countries live in primitive, wooden huts and don't
understand the complexities of modern life. It's no surprise these guys don't agree
with us! They do, however, possess dangerous weapons such as arrows and giant
catapults which are usually stored in fortified castles.

That's why I now believe that France and Germany should also be forced to
disarm along with Iraq. These rogue nations are clearly posing a threat to world
peace through their opposition to the war.

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Well, I hope you guys found that little 'fact file' useful. I'm gonna be stationed
here with the boys from the 104th Infantry for a while and I'll be filing another
report soon, so stay tuned!

This has been Frankie Truman for urbanreflex.com and WXTT-N Dallas!