Kenneth Clarke Eats Iain Duncan-Smith During Live Debate

TORY LEADERSHIP CONTEST: Kenneth Clarke Denies Dirty Tricks After Eating Iain Duncan-Smith During Live Debate

The Tory leadership race was thrown into disarray last night when the front
runner Iain Duncan-Smith was eaten by opponent Kenneth Clarke during a
live debate in Canterbury.

--CLARKE: Shortly before he ate his opponent

Witnesses described how the former Chancellor of the Exchequer interrupted
Duncan-Smith in mid-sentence and hungrily devoured the MP's legs.
Broadcaster Kirsty Wark, who had been chairing the debate, attempted to stop
Clarke but he insisted on being allowed to finish.

After two minutes, Clarke had totally consumed Duncan-Smith, leaving just his
clothes and fragments of bone strewn over the floor of the venue.

"I though he went a bit too far," said one member of the audience. "Iain
Duncan-Smith was making a very interesting point about law and order and the
next thing I knew, Ken Clarke was chomping away on his thighs. Personally, I
thought it was unnecessary and it spoiled the evening for a lot of people."

Duncan-Smith supporters immediately accused Clarke of deliberately eating his
opponent to help his chances of becoming Conservative leader. Party officials
are still unsure as to whether Clarke's actions are allowed under election rules.

--WARK: Powerless

Even if Clarke is found to have acted improperly, most analysts doubt whether
Iain Duncan-Smith can recover from this setback, considering the fact that he
is now slowly being digested inside Clarke's intestinal system.

Clarke later released a statement saying he had taken the unusual step of eating
his opponent because 'it was late' and he was hungry because he 'didn't have any
lunch that day.'